Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize