I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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