he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
