someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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