I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
it's like iHOP with fire
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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