Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
