You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
