just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
even my farts smell like vagina
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
