ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
