apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
