oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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