I didn't shave. On purpose
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
