Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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