The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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