Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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