i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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