You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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