I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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