I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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