So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
