I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
