Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize