Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
