On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
