and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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