He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
