This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
