i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
