I faked an abortion last night.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
