i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
