Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize