I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
