You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
