Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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