I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You have to summon your inner elephant
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
