I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
