I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
