Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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