I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
