we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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