Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
