Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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