Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
