haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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