I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
