I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize