you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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