k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
