um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
