Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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