Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
They took my balls.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
