didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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