Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
