i already hear my dad disowning me
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
