there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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