What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
