Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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