ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
