I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
