Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
