toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
