i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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