I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
