Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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