Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
