i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
